I interviewed A, a middle-aged mother of three, in person. When she and her husband first married, she knew she wanted to make a family, but she did not want to obsess over details like the exact year to become pregnant. Before deciding on a desired number of children, she figured “Why not try one and see what it’s like?” A mused that there are millions of things that influence your choice to make a baby, and it is impossible to define each. “Every time you see a movie with babies, or meet a family with children that you like, or remember any relationship (familial, platonic, romantic) that you’ve had. Also, you and your husband want to create something together that is part of both of you. You as parents have separate pasts apart from each other, but this baby will know no past other than one with you, the parent, in it.” During her first pregnancy, A took natural childbirth classes, read about childbirth and pregnancy, and discussed her experiences with pregnant friends. In all of her pregnancies, she got very sick for the first five months and the last month, and she gained lots of weight because she only got sick with an empty stomach; hence eating was the only way to remain physically functional. She described pregnancy as literally an emotional rollercoaster, because the first few months are exciting, albeit the depressing sickness. “Then you get really big and the baby kicks.” The last bit was dread and excitement.
Her pregnancies were made more joyous by the baby-showers her friends and families threw for her; they were practically and emotionally helpful. Complete strangers approached her and told her of their birthing horror stories, which disturbed her and struck her as insensitive, considering that she was a frightened new mother to be. A’s first birth was a C-section, because the birth was taking a long time and the heartbeat of the baby was erratic. The next two births were vaginal. The whole experience convinced her that she would not want to have a home birth, because there are not all the available resources at home to help in an emergency. In the whole experience of childbirth, she remembers exhaustion and joy the most. “You’d never forgive yourself if something happened.” Her first birth was made more difficult by the pressure from co-workers and her boss to go back to work after the duration of her maternity leave. They accused her of being selfish to her husband and baby by cutting her family’s income in half and staying with the child instead of working. All her births were made easier because her husband and mother in law were there for all three. Her mother in law immersed the babies in tradition and the clothes she was born in from the very moment they were born. She stayed for a month after all three births to help with the baby/babies. Additionally, A’s father in law made a cradle, and her own father made a height chair.
A’s story gave me the impression that people often have good intentions, but it takes skill and awareness to follow these intentions in a beneficial way. For example, strangers telling A of their horrible birth experiences and telling her essentially how to be a mother (go to work and send the children to a day-care or nanny) might have had the best of intentions, but their words were not very valuable. Additionally, actions speak far louder than words. Saying “Good luck” or “I hope you have a healthy baby” or “you’ll do fine” obviously does not stick in one’s mind or help as much as throwing baby showers, building baby furniture, preparing meals, or just being there for emotional support. I am also a bit confused by A’s take on the cause of the motivation to make babies. In the conversations I’ve had with people who spend time thinking about reasons to have babies, the concept of many, many indefinable reasons has never been addressed.
I interviewed B, a middle-aged father of three girls, in person. His wife’s pregnancies each affected him, but the effects were much less physical then those of his wife. The most dominant emotion he can remember feeling when he recalls the pregnancies is helplessness. When the morning sickness tapered off, he was relieved. It was intriguing to witness the physical developments in his wife, especially in the first pregnancy, because the whole process was new. The first pregnancy was also the scariest, because the transition in his life was the most significant. There is a huge difference between “couple” and “family”. “You are defined differently; you are now both a husband and a father. You have to consider the needs of the family, not just the desires and goals of you as a couple.” Each pregnancy made him very happy, because he wanted a family. However, each entailed serious changes and different familial dynamics. To prepare for the arrival of the first baby, he got a crib, prepared a room, and took natural birth classes.
His experience as a father to be was made more joyous by the excitement of his friends and family, but some people thought he was extremely odd for not wanting a boy. He was generally not challenged by any disagreements or conflicts between him and others, because “we had lots of confidence and a strong support system of friends and family.” He always felt like he was going to have a family with children; it was never a question in his mind. Where he grew up (in several small towns), “making families was just what people did. Family wasn’t really a question…the only question was timing”. When to have the baby was not a matter of cold, hard reasoning for B. He did not discuss it in depth with his wife, because they both wished to just let it happen. Remembering his wife giving birth brings back memories of feeling helpless and weird because “you are the leader of the family, but you have to relinquish control to the ‘experts’…you have a sense of discomfort and un-involvement.” B recounted a memory he had of trying to be his wife’s coach and support her after the birth had been going on for many hours. He said something along the lines of “Come on, Hun, keep going. You can do it” and she looked at him with “go away” in her eyes. As B was telling me this, his wife walked into the room and denied that message in her eyes being directed at him. She said it was probably towards the pain, but just channeled at him.
I did not know what to expect from this interview, because our ideas of birth and pregnancy in our society generally spring from the experiences and views of females. However, the vibe of pride and excitement emanating from B as he recounted his first experiences of fatherhood was encouraging; I felt that men truly can be deeply involved in the birth of their children. If I ever have children, I hope to have a partner who is as supportive and excited as B appeared to be. I have often thought that commonalities between partners’ or spouses’ viewpoints on parenting are important to note before making commitments to each other. My interview with B reinforced this view on relationships; There will be serious issues if one parent wants a child and the other does not, if one parent wants to have 6 children and the other wants none, if one parent values having control over the safety of his wife in the hands of doctors, etc. I am left with the question of why B never doubted that he would have a family and children….Perhaps I will find an answer in further discussions with him.
My last interview was with C, a middle-aged mother of a meager 7 children. She has six sons and one daughter. In her experiences with pregnancy, she had nausea, sleepiness, and hunger from week 6 to week 12 or 13 (second half of the first trimester). In preparation for her first baby, she took Bradley natural childbirth classes, and refreshed herself in their relaxation methods before each birth. This is the link to their classes: http://www.bradleybirth.com/. While pregnant, C’s husband kissing her tummy and talking to the unborn child, surprise baby showers, meals from friends, and the help of her already born children were very helpful and allowed her to focus on the more enjoyable and incredible aspects of pregnancy. Her pregnancies were made more difficult by negative and sarcastic comments from family and friends (such as “Don’t you know what’s causing that?”, “I hope it’s not in the water”, etc). C also experienced much pressure from family to carry on the family name.
Right after C’s husband proposed, he said he’d love to have a dozen children. “I said I was thinking of perhaps four. He said ‘Great! We’ll compromise – 16!’ We both felt that one fo the most important things we could do together would be to raise great kids.” C’s first reactions to the words “giving birth” varied from birth to birth. Her first birth brought feelings of relaxation and positive feelings. Her second birth: “Extremely hard, fast transition that took me by surprise (shock) – some felings of fear, shock that my self-taught Bradley refresher wasn’t doing it.” Her reaction to her third birth was “Epidural. Euphoria. (Funny, but true.)” C’s fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh births are a blur of relaxation from epidurals and fear of having a needle go in her back. C feels that a woman should give birth wherever she feels most comfortable, and as long as she is not at a high risk and has good prenatal care, should have a home birth if she wants. She believes that pre-natal education should entail information on options, risks and benefits of both home and hospital births.
I was refreshed by C’s positive attitude about pregnancy. She emphasized that positive thinking and relaxation are important during and before childbirth, which is unusual. Sometimes people become caught up in the gender of the child or how they will support the child, but this does not seem to have worried C, even though she had more reason than many to worry over supporting her (seven) children or having all boys. Having met most of C’s children, I can say that optimism and valuing having great children works; her children are optimistic, have wonderful personalities and strong love for life and each other.
I feel inspired to explore the pros and cons of both home and hospital births, as that does not seem to be something about which many people (even parents) are educated. I also wish to know more about the pros and cons of using pain killers or having strictly “natural” births.
